The Good Enough Life
Thoughts on life, career, and parenting
The concept of the good enough life is derived from Donald Winnicott who wrote “The Good Enough Parent”
Winnicott’s mission in life was to democratize the concept of “good enough parenting”, not brilliant or perfect, just good enough. No child needs a perfect parent. All we need is good enough parents. The job of a parent is to disappoint a child bit by bit into adult realities. Obsession with perfection harms the child and creates an artificial relationship between parents and children. You want a real relationship premised on truth.
He had a five-pronged framework that is largely relevant to parenting but his ideas can also be extrapolated to management, especially when it comes to looking out for vulnerable employees.
First, remember your child is psychologically vulnerable. You should adapt to the child’s need, not vice versa. A child who has adapted to the world too early will be a prime candidate for mental health issues.
Second, let the child be angry. He said, “For a child to be brought up so that he can discover the deepest part of his nature, someone has to be defied, and even at times hated, without there being a danger of a complete break in the relationship.’
This is why he often spoke out for difficult adolescents, that create trouble and defy rules. This meant that they could dare to defy and test the adult world.
Third, don’t create “good boys” and “good girls”. Parents are delighted when children do what they are told. Winnicott was petrified ‘good’ children. The point of the early years was to be able to express freely a lot of ‘bad’ feelings without consequences, and without fear of retribution.
Too much compliance leaves Jack a dull boy and Jill thoroughly dissatisfied. Obsessive compliance leads to the creation of a ‘False Self’ – a persona that would be outwardly compliant, outwardly good, but was suppressing its vital instincts. Only through proper, attentive nurture aka “good enough parenting” would a child be able to generate a ‘True Self’.
Do you want to raise a child that is overly compliant to pleasing others and behaving as required as opposed to listening to her/his own heart? Would you want to suppress what your child wants for the pretext of “proper behavior”. It is a question every parent must answer.
Fourth, let your child be. Winnicott was not a fan of ‘people who are always jogging babies up and down on their knees trying to produce a giggle.’ We can’t demand laughter or happiness. It must flow.
Fifth, internalize the criticality of your job as a parent.
